But know what I just realized? I am a sissy. My whole life I have been scared to take risks, to expose myself to the world.
I have assumed the role of a mini mother since I was 1 1/2 and Vance was born. I have always acted older than I am. I am safe. I want things to run smoothly. I have always been drawn to what is practical rather than what is fun. I guess this is part of my personality, but sometimes I wonder if I couldn't branch out a bit more.
I also want everyone to like me, which has slowly dwarfed my personality in a way. I am known as sweet, which I love... but I am so much more and I just don't let anyone see it. I hardly know the other parts of me, myself. In a way I think I have become simpler because it's what I act. It's hard to get at what I am trying to say, but I am content with who I am. I just wish I was less concerned with how others think of me and worried more about my own opinion. But I guess that is me too. Where's the balance?
Now this is not to say that it's all bad or to sound like I am unhappy. I am grateful to have been cautious and wise, and would much rather be that way than completely reckless. I really love who I am and would never choose to be anyone else. But now I am ready to also move on and take risks... even writing this for all to see is so much more than I would have previously dreamed of. I would have either thought I have nothing worth saying, or I would worry that others would think it's silly.
Well, too bad if you think it's silly. I guess I am taking that risk.