Friday, August 28, 2009

I really should be getting to bed

But know what I just realized? I am a sissy. My whole life I have been scared to take risks, to expose myself to the world.

I have assumed the role of a mini mother since I was 1 1/2 and Vance was born. I have always acted older than I am. I am safe. I want things to run smoothly. I have always been drawn to what is practical rather than what is fun. I guess this is part of my personality, but sometimes I wonder if I couldn't branch out a bit more.

I also want everyone to like me, which has slowly dwarfed my personality in a way. I am known as sweet, which I love... but I am so much more and I just don't let anyone see it. I hardly know the other parts of me, myself. In a way I think I have become simpler because it's what I act. It's hard to get at what I am trying to say, but I am content with who I am. I just wish I was less concerned with how others think of me and worried more about my own opinion. But I guess that is me too. Where's the balance?

Now this is not to say that it's all bad or to sound like I am unhappy. I am grateful to have been cautious and wise, and would much rather be that way than completely reckless. I really love who I am and would never choose to be anyone else. But now I am ready to also move on and take risks... even writing this for all to see is so much more than I would have previously dreamed of. I would have either thought I have nothing worth saying, or I would worry that others would think it's silly.

Well, too bad if you think it's silly. I guess I am taking that risk.

1 comment:

  1. I suppose it is natural for you to be musing on this at this stage of your life: What a wonderful opportunity in your position. I also suppose that the balance entails the third wheel, and I'll leave it at that for now. When you consciously "look" for it in moments of trial and moments of joy that is when faith can become a not just a verb but a spritual fulcrum if you willfully and willingly act in accordance with your faith in the Savior. The principle in Alma 5 applies and as time passes there is no balance to worry about with a growing number of things in life, because you will be "[peaceful] as a summer morn." To paraphrase Alma: Is not this real? Yeah, ... it beginneth to enlarge my soul,. ... it beginneth to be delicious to me!

    Keep going, "girl!"