Sunday, November 15, 2009

Too much of too many good things?

There are so many good things out there-- activities, learning experiences, friendships, service opportunities.... I feel like I am involved in so much and yet hardly anything at the same time. I want to make a difference in my community and world. I want to give back. I want to truly come to know the wonderful people around me and appreciate all that they are. I want to learn all that I can. I want to grow and become.

But there's so much! And I waste so much time! I feel like I have so many things I want to do and am trying to do that I don't fully commit myself to most of them... so in the end I am not really doing much of anything because it's only half-heartedly. I feel like sometimes I just do things because it's what I do to get an A or because I know it's right and good. But what is my true intent? Where's my heart?

So I have decided that in all that I do-- from morning prayers to studying to conversations with friends--I need to always be committing. Whatever the activity may be, I need to be wanting to be there or understanding why I am doing it. No more coasting. No being distracted. Whatever I am doing, I am there. Thinking in this way will help me to decide what I really should be doing with my time and really doing it (or at least that's the hope).

But what do I commit to? I have a tough time with decisions because I feel like I am hardly in a position to judge since I know next to nothing in the grand scheme of things. But I have to be confident that I know enough, and that what I don't know, God knows. I have to decide to decide-- to truly commit to the things I participate in wholeheartedly. Whether it be a conversation with a neighbor or scripture study or math homework. And, if a decision is wrong, then I have to have faith that God will not allow me to continue in the wrong direction for too long.

So not only do I need to be doing the right things, but I need to be doing them for the right reasons. It's about having "clean hands AND a pure heart." I want to put my all into the right things and be eagerly engaged in my life as it happens.

...I am starting to realize that I like this blogging thing. It's funny because I used to not think so highly of it. But it clears my mind, helps me to learn, and it's not forced upon anyone. So on I ramble. I guess I have been humbled. :)

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