priori T's

Recently I've been pondering on priorities. Partly because of looming decisions, but I think mostly because of that constant struggle to try and reach the bottom of the To-Do List and never quite getting there.

Well, I started to think, I know I cannot do everything, but I sure make myself feel like I need to. Why is this? Why can't I just be happy doing the best I can? I know I am doing the things that I know matter most, right?

That's when it hit me. Have I ever really fleshed out what my personal priorities are? I know in general what is good from parents and church, but what do I really believe? If I know this, I know by what standard to judge my efforts and will most likely be more satisfied with my efforts.

So I sat down and figured out, in general, what value I place on various aspects of my life (e.g. family relationships, school, personal development, etc) and in what order I would rank these categories. It's still a work in progress, but it was interesting to set up. How liberating to put down on paper what is important to me so that I do not feel guilty when judging my own actions by external criteria. I can be okay with not getting to the laundry or even doing some reading if I indeed was using my time according to my personal value system.

This is not to say that standards set by family rules or religion are unnecessary; quite to the contrary, they provide us with truth and principles of happiness to gain testimony of for ourselves (this takes effort, struggling, honesty, and heartfelt prayer--but if we seek, we will find what is true and real for ourselves). I feel it is important for each person to live according to his or her own conscience, holding ourselves accountable internally so that we can then be truly accountable to others.

Now, this may make sense only in my head. But I felt the urge to jot it down, maybe just so I can stumble on it later.

Gifts

Today I have been thinking about gifts. I was looking through letters and notes given to me and thinking of the people who wrote them. I treasure nothing more than my relationships with others. I think heartfelt notes are the best gift you can get or give, I really do. I am grateful for them.

I have also been thinking of gifts in terms of personal attributes. Reading even just a paragraph in Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis makes me really stop and go "wow." Really, he has such a gift for articulating truths in ways that are so clear and beautiful. I could contemplate his points for hours. And although he was given this aptitude by God, it's not like it was just there ready to go. He had to cultivate it.

As do I. Even though there are frustrations along the way and I sometimes feel quite small, I am trying. I am excited to see the promise fulfilled that weak things will become strong.

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And in case you care, in terms of developing my photography talent, I am inspired by Angie Penrose a lot. :)

summertime :)

I just realized summer starts tomorrow after my 1pm final. I also realized I've had my camera for over a year now. Wow.

In commemoration of both (and instead of studying), I've been looking through all of the pictures I took last summer. Beautiful, mostly for the memories. And it's making me SO EXCITED to go home and be with my family!!

I am so content right now, eating my corn on the cob and thinking of the warm summer days ahead filled with family and home.

Just happy

I have nothing to say except that I am happy. I am happy in a way that I cannot put into words and that I really don't understand myself. But I am grateful for it, so grateful. I am thankful for all my experiences, for my relationships, for my dreams. I love life. I love seeing how much I grow even when I think I can't go any further. How exciting to have my own destiny to forge and my own soul to refine and develop.

Wonderful. That's what this life is-- full of wonder. It's packed full of feeling, full of fun, full of waiting, full of sadness, full of joy, full of possibility, full of meaning, full of all things that make us who we are and help us see who we can be. BLAR I can't express how peacefully happy I am about life right now. I am just happy!

My passing thoughts

I wish we had real communities-- you know, the way you think of them existing in simpler times. Communities where you learn dances to come together rather than to perform, where you sing songs and tell stories in informal settings. Places where people feel safe and happy together and not like they have to plan something specific to bring people together (and even then have it be sort of rigid and awkward).

This has been my dilemma for a while now. I think I have finally figured it out. I love to sing and dance and do art and all of that, but I have always shied away from it because in our society you primarily do those things to perform them. Because of this I feel like you are expected to be good and you are sort of judged. I just want to do them because they make me happy but I don't want people to be watching, but doing along WITH me.

Let's re-institute traditional community closeness. We can do this by having simple dances that are about unity and not the perfect movements. Let's sing songs and not care how we sound. Let' tell stories and learn from our elders. This would unite people in so many ways and help each person feel belonging--being needed and needing others. The only problem is that people would have to get used to this. And learn these kinds of skills. And how do we start this? I don't know but it's what I want to have. A simple, supportive, peaceful community.

And this is just a piece of the whole picture. United communities all know each other, care about each other, and are able to all contribute something and glean something. They provide for the emotional, social, physical, and spiritual needs of each individual. Maybe I'm idealistic, but I just think we have gone so far in distancing ourselves in society so I'd like to see people come together more again and just be people without walls. We're all just people, and we all want to enjoy each other.

Disclaimer: this is not to say I don't love my family and friends and activities now--because that is FAR from the truth! But I've just been thinking about these things and how cool it would be if they were social norms still. Also, this was written really fast so hopefully it makes sense...

I have confidence in sunshine

You know that feeling when you're fretting about how others see you? Well, it's icky. And I am tired of it. Not that I am vain and constantly introverted, but really, even just a little bit of this can taint your whole perspective. It shifts your thoughts off of what is important and doesn't help anyone. Ironically, when I live to please other people I am really only living for myself. How silly. How pointless.

Instead, I want to live with confidence in God, looking to Him for love and acceptance. As I put him first I will be able to see clearly who I am and not worry. And I will have more love for others and be more aware of those around me, focusing outward in the right way. This is who I want to be. I have been up and down in this regard, but I have felt so much happier when I have the right perspective. I have felt His love, guideance, and assurance. It's real and it's beautiful. That's the woman I want to be.

In all honesty

Honesty is so vital--not only in terms of academics or straight up fibbing, but in the people we are. I think it's a common tendency to worry about others' perceptions, but we cannot keep ourselves to ourselves just to make things smoother (or so we think). The beauty of a person is in their uniqueness, their quirks mixing with their beauties and strengths. Not being our honest selves smothers joy, and in relationships with others it just delays development in whatever direction it is going to take anyway. There is so much in each one of us! Why would we ever want to withhold ourselves?

Well, fear. At least, that's what it is for me. I'm still trying to get over it every day. I keep myself from doing things, from taking risks... but then I stop and think about it and I know can do anything I want to do, so my paralysis is silly. I can do anything. I can be anything. But this realization brings me to another question-- what then do I WANT? Here comes honesty with self. To me this is the hardest because sometimes we don't know. Or sometimes we don't want to admit that we know because it means changing; it means making hard decisions; it means taking action. And that can be scary. But really, how exciting is it that we are the masters of our own destiny? Of course somethings are beyond our control, but we still have the capacity to decide how to use what we're given and make the most of it.

My last thought on honesty is simply that I find honest people refreshing. This doesn't mean I love really bitterly blunt or rude people; I simply love people who can say what they think or let you know if you're doing something you should change, but in a very loving, humble way. I love knowing that I don't have to guess what someone else is thinking or feeling. It means I don't have to worry. It means I don't have to be on guard. It means they can help me grow and I can trust them. Honest people make true friends. Being around such friends uplifts and inspires and makes me want to be more like them.

Mountains and Valleys

Once again, this week's devotional hit the spot. Elder Huntsman began emphasizing that "God did not put us here to fail." And that was only the beginning. Other highlights include:

• Do not fear--believe in yourself and live your OWN dream!
  
• Decide what you want and go for it; you determine your destiny, so don't cut corners
  
• Self-pity is the worst folly of the human spirit, it hinders progression
  
• "There is no education like adversity"--"Sweet are the uses of adversity"
  
• Our character blossoms as we face affliction and exercise integrity even when it's hard
  

And my personal favorite: Elder Huntsman quoted Winston Churchill as saying something like "we receive our inspiration from the mountaintops, but our growth down in the valleys."

I love the profound wisdom that comes alive in this simple analogy. There is so much to be learned intellectually and even spiritually that can be received without direct experience that helps orient us and inspire us. This knowledge is certainly priceless, but how much more powerful are the lessons that we feel and experience first hand?

Indeed, life is unique precisely because we get to experience the diverse emotions and situations available to us only as we trudge through the muddy spots of mortality-- the valleys. It's one thing to tell yourself to get over an upset, and another thing entirely to actually be able to move on. Sometimes I wonder why we can't just decide to be done hurting, or missing home, or feeling alone, and just have it be done. Why can't I just choose how I feel? While I believe that we do choose our outlook and our attitude in life, we cannot simply rid ourselves of pain.

There is purpose in this though, and this makes it all worth it. Hardships and hurt truly define us and refine us. When we are brought low, we are required to exercise faith, be patient, and decide what really matters most. We learn who we are and what we are capable of. We learn to rely on God and come to know our Savior. This process is by no means fun, but who says that fun is the paramount object of life? We can experience true joy and fulfillment as we use hard experiences as springboards for progress.

So while I prefer the idealized mountaintop experiences, I wouldn't trade my valleys for anything. I wouldn't have depth of character without having had experiences that bring me low. And from valleys, the only thing to do is ascend!

As I struggle to figure out what I really want to do with my life and how to define myself, I am glad to know that my loving Heavenly Father is in control. This knowledge and the application of it (faith!) provide perspective, hope, and power. I love this adventure called life!